...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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