she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
