I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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