my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
