I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
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