Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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