I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
