i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
