I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
