if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
