Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
