I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
