Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
