We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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