We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
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Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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