How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
