he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
