peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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