just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
