The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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