If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
