i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
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