I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
