I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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