you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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