Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.