I'm an idiot
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich