Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i already hear my dad disowning me
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
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I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
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Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.