I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.