All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
