My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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