Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
