saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I puked a lego.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
