I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
