I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
