I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
