He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
