Pappa wants mamma naked
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I supernannyed him into submission
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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