I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
