Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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