I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
