I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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