I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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