my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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