gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
