Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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