There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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