you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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