Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's rum buckets o'clock
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit