I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."