Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death