Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
