I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
