Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
please don't ironically join a cult
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