I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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