Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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