Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
