Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The best revenge is premature balding
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
