i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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