So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want her autograph on my taint
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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