Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
